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Thursday, May 31, 2012

2012 Update: Weighing in on Current Events

There’s been a lot going on lately, so let’s get right down to it.
(**Editor’s note: This is not a comprehensive list, so please don’t be offended by the lack of commentary on celebrity deaths, the Edwards trial, and the NBA Draft)
“Facebook IPO Fiasco”:
I love how journalists are scouring their thesauruses to describe the catastrophic event that was the Facebook IPO. The past 20 years have featured mass genocide, multiple wars, horrific terrorist attacks, a tsunami that decimated an entire nation, another one that decimated almost an entire continent, hurricanes, wildfires, tornados, plane crashes, school shootings, high profile child molestation rings, and a global financial meltdown that’s leaving many nations on the brink of economic collapse. A man freakin’ ate another guy’s face (see below) and the media treated the Facebook IPO like that’s the sign of the Apocalypse (my money’s on the dude eating faces).
Look, I know people lost money. I know it’s looking like another example of Wall Street screwing over Main Street, but really, isn’t that par for the course by now? Are any of us really surprised by what happened? This crap doesn’t even faze me anymore. I’m much more annoyed by the new Timeline setup for our Facebook pages. I’ll be darned if I can find something on my own page, let alone someone else’s. How about using some of your new fortune to fix that, Facebook?

Phillip Phillips – New American Idol:
Wow. There’s a surprise. A cute white guy playing a guitar won American Idol.
I’m not sure why women, non-white men, and people who can’t play guitar even bother at this point.

There Really Are Zombies:
Not to make light of a horrific incident, but if you haven’t read the account of the homeless man who ate another homeless man’s face, you’re lucky. I was going to link to it, but I can’t bring myself to promote it. We’ll leave the actual details at that.
What I do want to talk about, however, is my frustration with the media and rationalists out there trying to convince me this guy wasn’t a zombie. Let’s talk about zombies for a minute.
There’s a lot of zombie lore to sift through, but in my opinion, there are three key features that characterize a zombie.
1.       They eat people.
The guy literally chewed up a man’s face in broad daylight.
2.      They can only be stopped by death.
He ignored police warnings and kept eating the man through a slew of gunshots. He stopped when he was dead.
3.      They’ve lost all mental faculties except the desire to eat people.
He turned to the cops and growled with human flesh hanging from his mouth. Then he continued eating a person until he was shot dead.
Ok, so here’s where people roll their eyes and say he’s not a zombie, he was just on drugs.
Really? That’s it? That’s your argument? I don’t care if tainted Q-tips turn people into zombies. If a guy growls and eats people to the point where he has to be killed to stop, he’s a zombie. Period. Whether it’s because of drugs, a rare virus mutation, Voodoo, or Q-tips, it doesn’t matter. You think the poor man who was attacked cares that the dude only ate his face because of some bad trip? No. He doesn’t. Sometimes the devil isn’t in the details, the devil is just a zombie.

Republican Nomination:
So our 2012 Presidential choices are Mitt Romney and Barack Obama. My question is, does it even matter anymore? Does anyone actually trust either party? Can you even articulate a clear point that either candidate supports? Do we trust our legislators to look out for our best interests instead of their own butts? Even if by some miracle they are, do we actually believe they can make any kind of difference in a system so bureaucratic most ideas never make it out of committee?
One of my favorite episodes of the Simpsons is when Homer and crew go to Washington DC and learn how laws really get passed. You need to watch it. They should teach 4th grade government classes with that show alone. Think of the budget implications. One year of studies condensed into a half hour. Plus a catchy song.
I just ranted against politicians a few weeks ago, so we don’t have to go over this again, but I don’t believe the American people are as stupid as they think we are. They’re so stuck in their career politician bubble that most of them have lost touch with the people they’re supposed to represent.
They think we’re too ignorant to vote based on anything but fuzzy sound bites and physical attribute preferences. We’re not, we just know it doesn’t matter anymore. The system is too broken as it stands to think that investing hope in one carbon copy over another is going to make a difference.
I’ll keep voting in every election, but only because I want to preserve my right to whine.

Interest Rates:
OMG! They’re low! Did you know that?? Why didn’t anyone tell me!!

And finally, in case you weren’t aware, people are suing for stupid stuff again.

Ok, so maybe politicians do have a point.

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