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Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Message to the Texting Driver on Route 309

 Look, I get it. You’ve been making googly eyes at Tommy all summer at the Subway where you both worked and he finally noticed you. That’s awesome. Really. He’s totally cute and I’m sure if I were 10 years younger, I’d think so too. Plus, he wears those cool graphic tees that make him look hot, but not at all like he’s trying.

And yeah, I know Tabitha has to know what he said in the parking lot at school which could mean, like, 500 different things. Only a 4hr conversation with her is going to sort out the true meaning behind “I like your shirt.” That’s so cryptic. I bet it means he wants to marry you or something.

But here’s the thing, I’m guessing you’re not one of those rare people whose brain has the ability to separate and direct visual stimuli from each eye. I can tell this because you almost killed three people in the last two minutes. If you’re looking at your phone to spread this delightfully confusing message to all your friends, you’re not looking at the road.

You know how you said your new iPhone is magic? You think it’s so awesome that ever since you got it there’s no traffic on the road. You’re queen of the highway. Sorry to ruin the royal fantasy, but we’re still there. We’re just scared to death of you.

You don’t notice us because you’re too busy typing on your phone as we hang back an extra 600 yards or so. We’ve been watching you ride the shoulder every ten seconds for the last four miles, and then swerve back into the other lanes as you overcompensate. Shoulders are for cars in trouble or kids who have to pee. The D.O.T. gods aren’t smiling down on you, they’re terrified.

I get it. I do. The crap in your life is so important that it can’t wait until you get home to call your friends. If you don’t sort out Graphic Tee Tommy’s comment now, it might be too late to connect with your obvious soul-mate. The problem is, the crap in everyone else’s life is important too and we’d really like to get to our own destination to deal with it.

Get. Off. Your. Phone.

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