There’s a void in our lives. We’ve all been there, and up until now there was no one to fill it quickly and directly. At least, no one whose brain is as out there and eclectic as mine. But, alas, I am here to tell you I’ve heard the call. I have decided to take on the burden, be the answer to your confusion, the voice of reason at the end of your meal.
That’s why it’s time to introduce my new blog feature:
Dear Dr. Fortune Cookie
That’s right. From this point forward you no longer have to stare in utter bewilderment at that little slip of paper birthed from a stale orange cookie. See, I have a direct line to the fortune cookie gods and it’s my duty to humanity to share my gift. I may not be an expert on music, or art, or sports, or politics, or social theory, or any of the many other topics I like to discuss, but I am an expert in this.
That’s right. I will transform that seemingly jumbled mess of letters into the life-changing message it’s supposed to represent. You needed an interpreter and I am your champion.
From this point forward, I am:
Dr. Fortune Cookie.
You may submit all requests for interpretations through the comment sections on my blogs or contact me through Facebook. But it absolutely must be an actual fortune from an actual cookie.
For now, let the games begin with the first interpretation.
Dear Dr. Cookie,
I recently had takeout with my friends and the night was ruined by my baffling fortune. At first I was offended, then just confused. Please help!
“Handsome is as handsome dose.”
Thanks so much,
Decidedly Not Handsome
Dear Not Handsome,
Don’t you know that beauty is relative and best represented by an internal condition, not an external one? It is, but that’s not what your cookie is trying to tell you. Sorry. It still thinks you’re ugly. (Kidding!) Ok, so it’s much deeper than that.
At first glance I’m sure you, like my readers, thought “dose” must be a typo for the word “does.” While “does” certainly gives the sentence an actual grammatical structure, the fortune gods are clearly far above the need for comprehendible sentence construction. They meant EXACTLY what they said. They always do.
“Handsome is as handsome dose.”
See, is our society superficial? Yes. Do we reward external beauty? Yes. Beautiful people have the edge in every category imaginable except the casting of ugly people in film and TV. And even then, directors are usually happier just to make a beautiful person ugly.
Oh, my friend, there’s class warfare going on, and it’s not the rich versus the poor battle you hear about in the media. I’m talking about the pretty versus the ugly. You know what I mean. Just the fact that complete strangers say things like “what’s SHE doing with HIM?” tells you all you need to know about the level of our value on physical appearance.
You were nervous when you saw that the other job candidate was gorgeous, weren’t you? Good! You should have been, because not only did he beat you out for it, he’s now making twice as much as the ugly chick who’s been there forever.
It sucks, it really does Not Handsome, and I’m sorry you got the short end of the stick.
But guess what, I have good news for once. The fortune cookie gods have heard your agony. They’ve watched us poison our world with this superficial fluff for long enough! They’ve chosen you, yes YOU, to be their messenger.
“Handsome is as handsome dose.”
It’s very simple, my dear. So simple I’m not surprised you missed it and I hope you can take this truth with you as you embark on your mission through life with the one advantage you have over beautiful people. The gods didn’t make a typo, they are blessing you with an important fact that will change your perspective: Beautiful people are popular and social. Therefore, they are more prone to illness.
Sleep well, my friend.
Sincerely,
Dr. Fortune Cookie
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