Letter To My Ignored Fans

I have an apology to make to a large segment of my fan base. Yes, I’m talking about you spammers and spam bots. I’ve been deleting your comments on a mass scale. Ignoring them even. It’s terrible, and I apologize. It occurred to me recently that you may be the only ones visiting my site. We’ve already established my mother doesn’t even check in. (Prove me wrong, Mom. C’mon!) In light of that fact, it seems the least I can do is acknowledge this group on a collective level. So here we go:

To My Previously Ignored Fans: The Spamming Community

Thank you for your diligence in perusing my site. Not only do you take the time to spam the main page, you dedicate yourselves to spamming every post and sub-page as well. I can’t imagine how exhausting it must be to come up with enough variations of the same sentence to cover so much ground.

I must admit, however, that I’m a bit bothered by the fact that my site is the best one you’ve encountered on the web. I know I should be flattered, but I was kind of under the impression that those people over at MSN and Google really knew what they were doing. What with there multi-million dollar web development budgets, I figured there was no way my $15 annual budget could compete, but apparently I’m doing better than I thought. Thanks for enthusiastically recognizing my minimal funds and effort.

I agree with you that my posts are full of “mcuh imagine to cover all this subject” and I’m so happy you think “it asnwers many of question on this particular topic.” I know I’m brilliant, beautiful, talented, and insightful. I won’t let myself believe I’m the most brilliant, beautiful, talented, and insightful person in the world as you so adamantly attest, but thank you for the encouragement. Really. It makes my day to think some bot chose me (ME!) of all the millions of sites out there.

To those posting in Russian and Arabic, I think that’s fantastic. I love languages and studying other cultures. I’m surprised you didn’t have more to say on my posts about international films. I devour them. Having said that, I have no clue what you wrote. Actually, that’s not true, I do have a clue. I just can’t read it.

And thank you for the countless offers to indulge in your incredible cost-saving opportunity for C^I a Li S. I’ve been meaning to look into that for quite some time, but you know how schedules go. One minute you’re brushing your teeth after breakfast, and the next, you’re brushing your teeth for bed. It’s only then that I realized I missed the chance for that free trial you so generously offered. What a relief to wake up the next morning and find the opportunity within my grasp once again.

I also appreciate the many offers to raise my Google rankings. Marketing is extremely important to me. I have no desire to have my work sell itself based on its quality and appeal to those who read it. Word of mouth is pointless. No, my aim is to shove it in the face of every person who searches on the letter “A” or “S.” Because let’s be honest, it’s more important that people click a link, realize they made a mistake, and leave, than actually read my posts and my books. And of course, when I decide to spend my $7 marketing budget at some point this year, it will definitely be on your solid, upstanding enterprise. I can’t wait to sit down and discuss the business plan.

To those who hate me and are offended by all aspects of the content, I appreciate you taking the time to write as well. I’m sorry you had trouble spelling those tricky four letter words, but I applaud you for thinking outside the box. If I don’t post all those positive comments extolling my many many countless virtues as a person, web designer, and writer, then perhaps I will acknowledge those who despise everything about me and my work, which I’m sure you’ve read and reviewed thoroughly.

So to all of you: “much thanks and happy to you very smrat.” Thank you for keeping my overall stats up and skyrocketing the unique domains served each week. I couldn’t do it without you.

P.S. I don’t want to cause any embarrassment, but I feel like we’re close enough now for me to let you know that I’m female. You can stop calling me “pal,” “sir,” and “dude.” It’s a bit off-putting.