Writers' Math

Editing + Perfectionism = More Editing

Editing + Frozen Pizza = More Editing

Therefore:

Perfectionism = Frozen Pizza

Letter To My Ignored Fans

I have an apology to make to a large segment of my fan base. Yes, I’m talking about you spammers and spam bots. I’ve been deleting your comments on a mass scale. Ignoring them even. It’s terrible, and I apologize. It occurred to me recently that you may be the only ones visiting my site. We’ve already established my mother doesn’t even check in. (Prove me wrong, Mom. C’mon!) In light of that fact, it seems the least I can do is acknowledge this group on a collective level. So here we go:

To My Previously Ignored Fans: The Spamming Community

Thank you for your diligence in perusing my site. Not only do you take the time to spam the main page, you dedicate yourselves to spamming every post and sub-page as well. I can’t imagine how exhausting it must be to come up with enough variations of the same sentence to cover so much ground.

I must admit, however, that I’m a bit bothered by the fact that my site is the best one you’ve encountered on the web. I know I should be flattered, but I was kind of under the impression that those people over at MSN and Google really knew what they were doing. What with there multi-million dollar web development budgets, I figured there was no way my $15 annual budget could compete, but apparently I’m doing better than I thought. Thanks for enthusiastically recognizing my minimal funds and effort.

I agree with you that my posts are full of “mcuh imagine to cover all this subject” and I’m so happy you think “it asnwers many of question on this particular topic.” I know I’m brilliant, beautiful, talented, and insightful. I won’t let myself believe I’m the most brilliant, beautiful, talented, and insightful person in the world as you so adamantly attest, but thank you for the encouragement. Really. It makes my day to think some bot chose me (ME!) of all the millions of sites out there.

To those posting in Russian and Arabic, I think that’s fantastic. I love languages and studying other cultures. I’m surprised you didn’t have more to say on my posts about international films. I devour them. Having said that, I have no clue what you wrote. Actually, that’s not true, I do have a clue. I just can’t read it.

And thank you for the countless offers to indulge in your incredible cost-saving opportunity for C^I a Li S. I’ve been meaning to look into that for quite some time, but you know how schedules go. One minute you’re brushing your teeth after breakfast, and the next, you’re brushing your teeth for bed. It’s only then that I realized I missed the chance for that free trial you so generously offered. What a relief to wake up the next morning and find the opportunity within my grasp once again.

I also appreciate the many offers to raise my Google rankings. Marketing is extremely important to me. I have no desire to have my work sell itself based on its quality and appeal to those who read it. Word of mouth is pointless. No, my aim is to shove it in the face of every person who searches on the letter “A” or “S.” Because let’s be honest, it’s more important that people click a link, realize they made a mistake, and leave, than actually read my posts and my books. And of course, when I decide to spend my $7 marketing budget at some point this year, it will definitely be on your solid, upstanding enterprise. I can’t wait to sit down and discuss the business plan.

To those who hate me and are offended by all aspects of the content, I appreciate you taking the time to write as well. I’m sorry you had trouble spelling those tricky four letter words, but I applaud you for thinking outside the box. If I don’t post all those positive comments extolling my many many countless virtues as a person, web designer, and writer, then perhaps I will acknowledge those who despise everything about me and my work, which I’m sure you’ve read and reviewed thoroughly.

So to all of you: “much thanks and happy to you very smrat.” Thank you for keeping my overall stats up and skyrocketing the unique domains served each week. I couldn’t do it without you.

P.S. I don’t want to cause any embarrassment, but I feel like we’re close enough now for me to let you know that I’m female. You can stop calling me “pal,” “sir,” and “dude.” It’s a bit off-putting.

August Movie Reviews: Best and Worst

Best movie I saw in the month of August: Tangled (2010)

So cute. And can I just say that I love Mandy Moore as a singing actress? I really do. Her music career doesn’t exactly fit into my preferences (see previous post), but as a singing actress in “cute” films she gets points from me every time.  

Tangled had it all for the current, much-appreciated trend of witty children’s movies. The plot certainly earned its PG rating and was a little darker and more violent than I expected. You know me, I have no fear of dark, but for a supposedly kid’s movie, I was surprised.

The songs were decent in the moment, although I couldn’t remember a single line from any of them the next day. I particularly loved the scene in the pub with all the colorful burly scumbags hiding big dreams of embracing their inner kitten hearts. A movie about them would be fun.

Both leads were appealing, and somehow avoided being total clichés (just partial, which is a big step for these things). Likewise with the villain who perfectly embodied an eerie sweet evil.

I’d watch this again, for sure. It doesn’t come close to supplanting Elf as my favorite “kids” movie of all time, but it was definitely one of the better ones I’ve seen in a while.

Least favorite movie I saw in the month of August: Miss Nobody (2010)

Miss Nobody earned this distinction mostly for lost potential. It wasn’t that it was terrible, it just could have been so good. It had everything going for it: sleek, stylish, and brimming with potential to be the darkly humorous film I was expecting. But it wasn’t. I didn’t find any of the dark humor, well, humorous, and in fact, I almost cringed at the obvious attempts. I prefer my humor and satires subtle. I may be in the minority, I don't know. Others may like it.

The problem is my interest nose-dived in the first ten minutes. Interest level after the opening scenes was at a stunning cliff overlooking a serene Colorado vista. Five minutes in, I could feel the rocks below digging into my back. I hung on for another forty-five minutes until my sleepy brain decided it wasn’t better than anything my bed could do for me.  

I stared at the title in my DVR queue for a minute or two during my next free moment to work on my DVR backlog. I stared, but I could finish it. I couldn't, not when there was an unwatched episode of “The Glades” waiting for me. I never went back to it and just didn’t care enough to spend any more precious free time on it. It was deleted. There’s only so much you can store on those things.

Maybe the plot picked up in the second half. With the introduction of Adam Goldberg’s detective, there’s a good chance it did. Maybe. But Miss Nobody missed the opportunity to make me care enough to find out.