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Thursday, July 14, 2011

World on the Brink as Justin Bieber Goes Silent

PHILADELPHIA – In a move that has rocked the music industry and devastated the population of nations around the world, Justin Bieber has not offered a single tweet in well over two hours.
“It’s shocking, it really is. I feel lost. Like the moon, stars, and sun are all crashing down at once,” says Miranda Hansen, mother of Analee Hansen. “It’s so strange. I took my daughter to a concert just a week ago and everything was fine. Now it’s chaos. My daughter is beside her self.”
“I can’t eat! I can’t sleep! It’s like, seriously, the worst thing that ever could have happened. Ever! What’s he doing now? I don’t know! What if he’s eating a steak and I don’t know it. Oh my god, what if he cut his hair? Oh my god! I don’t know what he’s doing right now!” says Analee Hansen. Her friend Amy agrees and added that he may have been kidnapped or possibly lost his phone.
When asked how this silence would affect the past, present, and future of pop culture, Dr. Jackson Reegan of Marbury University expressed concern about the recent events. “I have no doubt historians will look back and unequivocally declare that this is a turning point in world history. Not only are the implications for the music industry unprecedented, media outlets may never recover from this.”
Laura Terser, a former journalist and current consultant, supports Dr. Reegan’s claims. “There’s no doubt that media outlets will have to lay off employees, possibly even close departments, if this silence continues. People need to know what he’s doing this weekend, which movie he saw, what he wore. They need to know how craay-zaay he felt when he dropped his hat on the way down the aisle. Without this basic information, the journalistic and media industries can’t possibly survive. People just don’t need to know anything else.”
Tyler Keller was less concerned when asked how the silence of Justin Bieber has affected his life. “Justin who? Is that the dude that looks like a girl and sings like a girl but girls like anyway?” Keller admits that he is not a connoisseur of pop culture, nor does he fit the ten-year-old girl demographic. Keller also adds that if he ever encountered that dude he would so not even care.
Authorities around the world have pooled resources to investigate the possible causes behind the lack of tweets. Current theories range from he forgot, to claims that Bieber is protesting the digital age that is leading to a new type of class separation between the social media educated and those left behind. “I’m not worried. Justin’s just showing his love for those of us who don’t use that tweeter thing. That’s why I love him. He’s so sensitive and deep!” says Madison Walker of Washington Elementary School.
Analee Hansen and Amy disagree. “My friends and I, like, don’t even know what to do anymore. We used to talk about Justin. Now what are we supposed to do? I guess we could talk about his old tweets, but it’s not the same. This is crazy. I never thought something like this would happen to me.”

***Allison M Simon is a freelance pop culture commentator who is annoyed her four-year-old son came home from preschool singing a Justin Bieber song. You try to shelter them, but no.  The world says no.

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