Dear Dr. Fortune Cookie: Animal Kingdom

Before we start, I’d like to give a nod to Angela & Chris. You’re awesome. I did the math and you account for 40% of my fan base so well done!

(Editor’s note: You may submit all requests for fortune cookie interpretations through the comment sections on Allison’s blogs or contact her through Facebook. And while you’re there, “like” me so I can hit 30 fans and be able to actually see stats.)

Let’s get right to it. As always, these are actual fortunes from fortune cookies.

Dear Dr. Fortune Cookie,

“It’s better to be the beak of a hen than the tail of an ox.”

Good luck,

Not A Farm Animal

Dear Farm Animal,

I’m going to go out on a limb and guess you’re younger. Maybe high school, maybe college. Either that or you’re a slacker who just now realized Mom’s garage isn’t cutting it and you need a job. Whatever your station in life, it’s clear that you’re at a crossroads and the cookie gods see warning lights.

Look, you’ve got two choices.

On the surface there’s the less glamorous “beak” route. That’s going to take time, effort, maybe even more schooling. Only you know the details, but you’re not sure it’s worth it. So you go through all that, then what? You get to pluck worms off the sidewalk? Awesome. They’re slimy.

The pretty option is to take the low-hanging fruit and be the ox tail. Slip right into a defined role, no ambiguity, easy to visualize. Very safe.

But I’m warning you now, that’s not where you want to go.

You’re missing a very important distinction: hen beaks do a lot more than just slurp worms. They also gather seeds and make nests. Heck, if you’re in a horror movie, they can peck people’s eyes out and portend doom.

Being an ox tail has no risk, so I see the attraction, I do. But no risk, no reward, right? Latch onto the ox and hopefully you like swatting flies of animal butts, because that’s all you get and all you’ll ever get.
Build nests and peck people’s eyes out, don’t swat flies.
________________

Dear Dr. Fortune Cookie,

I thought you would like this one:

Sincerely,

Unsigned

Dear Unsigned,

Thanks for the picture. It makes my blog more attractive to casual drop-ins.

“People who are late are often happier than those who have to wait for them.”

I’m going to guess that this one hit home. I’m also going to guess you sent this to me because you’re hoping I twist the obvious message into some contorted interpretation that doesn’t leave you looking like a jerk for being late all the time.

Sorry. Get a better alarm clock. Better yet, I’ll send you mine .

Best wishes,

Dr. Fortune Cookie

Dear Dr. Fortune Cookie: Planning Your Future

Dear Dr. Fortune Cookie,

My fortune tonight said "Put your mind into planning today. Look into the future."

What could this mean? Write a to-do list while gazing into a crystal ball?

Curiouser and curioser.

Dear Curious,

It’s a rare treat these days to encounter specific tidbits of prophesy from the cookie gods. For whatever reason in recent years, they have adopted a more vague and universal approach to their communication with us.

In light of that, I certainly can’t blame you for your general approach to interpretation. After all, why should they bless you with a direct message when the rest of us receive only broad truths?

But you’ve been contacted and now have a very specific task ahead of you. I’m glad you’ve sought my counsel while there’s still time. They’re not asking you to plan today’s activities, though you should be opening your date book as we speak. They’re asking you to plan for the future today, as in, right now.

Hopefully, you’re already prepared, but in case you’re not, the cookie gods have warned you, so take heed: This summer is poised to be an exceptional TV season. If your household is not equipped with a DVR, you still have a few weeks to call your cable provider.

Trust me, as an addicted DVR user, they haven’t steered you wrong.

Enjoy,

Dr. Fortune Cookie

(Editor’s Note: If you would like to submit your fortune cookie fortune for interpretation, please send your letter to Dr. Fortune Cookie through Allison M Simon’s page on Facebook or as a comment on this website. Comments posted anonymously will remain anonymous.)

Dear Dr. Fortune Cookie: When Cookies Go Silent

Dear Dr. Fortune Cookie,

I had a first. I opened my fortune cookie, and imagine my surprise when it was empty! I looked around, but nothing fell out. My cookie was blank! I know it means something, but I'm not sure what. What do you think?

Thanks,

Empty


Dear Empty,

How scary for you. When a cookie goes silent, the world seems to stop for a moment. We're lost without those little slips of paper to help navigate through our complicated existences. I know your confused mind went to one of two places.

Are you a pessimist? Then you probably began visualizing your doomed life of emptiness. Put down your deposit for a nursing home now, my friend, because you're going to be sick and alone as those final years tick by. An optimist? The world is your oyster. Your destiny is in your hands! Go get 'em, tiger!

I won't blame you for either. The gods have a way of keeping experts like me employed with their ambiguity. We're human. We've made an art out of reading our bias and perspective into everything around us. Literally, in my case. It's normal. It's common. Unfortunately, it's still wrong.

See, the cookie isn't interested in your future happiness or despair. In fact, it isn't interested in you at all. The radio silence is because it's miffed.

Did you remember to tip the delivery guy? If so, it wasn't enough.

Sorry,

Dr. Fortune Cookie

Dear Dr. Fortune Cookie: Feature Introduction

There’s a void in our lives. We’ve all been there, and up until now there was no one to fill it quickly and directly. At least, no one whose brain is as out there and eclectic as mine. But, alas, I am here to tell you I’ve heard the call. I have decided to take on the burden, be the answer to your confusion, the voice of reason at the end of your meal.

That’s why it’s time to introduce my new blog feature:

Dear Dr. Fortune Cookie

That’s right. From this point forward you no longer have to stare in utter bewilderment at that little slip of paper birthed from a stale orange cookie. See, I have a direct line to the fortune cookie gods and it’s my duty to humanity to share my gift. I may not be an expert on music, or art, or sports, or politics, or social theory, or any of the many other topics I like to discuss, but I am an expert in this.

That’s right. I will transform that seemingly jumbled mess of letters into the life-changing message it’s supposed to represent. You needed an interpreter and I am your champion.

From this point forward, I am:

Dr. Fortune Cookie.

You may submit all requests for interpretations through the comment sections on my blogs or contact me through Facebook. But it absolutely must be an actual fortune from an actual cookie.

For now, let the games begin with the first interpretation.

Dear Dr. Cookie,

I recently had takeout with my friends and the night was ruined by my baffling fortune. At first I was offended, then just confused. Please help!

“Handsome is as handsome dose.”

Thanks so much,

Decidedly Not Handsome

Dear Not Handsome,

Don’t you know that beauty is relative and best represented by an internal condition, not an external one? It is, but that’s not what your cookie is trying to tell you. Sorry. It still thinks you’re ugly. (Kidding!) Ok, so it’s much deeper than that.

At first glance I’m sure you, like my readers, thought “dose” must be a typo for the word “does.” While “does” certainly gives the sentence an actual grammatical structure, the fortune gods are clearly far above the need for comprehendible sentence construction. They meant EXACTLY what they said. They always do.

“Handsome is as handsome dose.”

See, is our society superficial? Yes. Do we reward external beauty? Yes. Beautiful people have the edge in every category imaginable except the casting of ugly people in film and TV. And even then, directors are usually happier just to make a beautiful person ugly.

                                                                                  

Oh, my friend, there’s class warfare going on, and it’s not the rich versus the poor battle you hear about in the media. I’m talking about the pretty versus the ugly. You know what I mean. Just the fact that complete strangers say things like “what’s SHE doing with HIM?” tells you all you need to know about the level of our value on physical appearance.

You were nervous when you saw that the other job candidate was gorgeous, weren’t you? Good! You should have been, because not only did he beat you out for it, he’s now making twice as much as the ugly chick who’s been there forever.

It sucks, it really does Not Handsome, and I’m sorry you got the short end of the stick.

But guess what, I have good news for once. The fortune cookie gods have heard your agony. They’ve watched us poison our world with this superficial fluff for long enough! They’ve chosen you, yes YOU, to be their messenger.

“Handsome is as handsome dose.”

It’s very simple, my dear. So simple I’m not surprised you missed it and I hope you can take this truth with you as you embark on your mission through life with the one advantage you have over beautiful people. The gods didn’t make a typo, they are blessing you with an important fact that will change your perspective: Beautiful people are popular and social. Therefore, they are more prone to illness.

Sleep well, my friend.

Sincerely,

Dr. Fortune Cookie