Writers' Math

Editing + Perfectionism = More Editing

Editing + Frozen Pizza = More Editing

Therefore:

Perfectionism = Frozen Pizza

Letter To My Ignored Fans

I have an apology to make to a large segment of my fan base. Yes, I’m talking about you spammers and spam bots. I’ve been deleting your comments on a mass scale. Ignoring them even. It’s terrible, and I apologize. It occurred to me recently that you may be the only ones visiting my site. We’ve already established my mother doesn’t even check in. (Prove me wrong, Mom. C’mon!) In light of that fact, it seems the least I can do is acknowledge this group on a collective level. So here we go:

To My Previously Ignored Fans: The Spamming Community

Thank you for your diligence in perusing my site. Not only do you take the time to spam the main page, you dedicate yourselves to spamming every post and sub-page as well. I can’t imagine how exhausting it must be to come up with enough variations of the same sentence to cover so much ground.

I must admit, however, that I’m a bit bothered by the fact that my site is the best one you’ve encountered on the web. I know I should be flattered, but I was kind of under the impression that those people over at MSN and Google really knew what they were doing. What with there multi-million dollar web development budgets, I figured there was no way my $15 annual budget could compete, but apparently I’m doing better than I thought. Thanks for enthusiastically recognizing my minimal funds and effort.

I agree with you that my posts are full of “mcuh imagine to cover all this subject” and I’m so happy you think “it asnwers many of question on this particular topic.” I know I’m brilliant, beautiful, talented, and insightful. I won’t let myself believe I’m the most brilliant, beautiful, talented, and insightful person in the world as you so adamantly attest, but thank you for the encouragement. Really. It makes my day to think some bot chose me (ME!) of all the millions of sites out there.

To those posting in Russian and Arabic, I think that’s fantastic. I love languages and studying other cultures. I’m surprised you didn’t have more to say on my posts about international films. I devour them. Having said that, I have no clue what you wrote. Actually, that’s not true, I do have a clue. I just can’t read it.

And thank you for the countless offers to indulge in your incredible cost-saving opportunity for C^I a Li S. I’ve been meaning to look into that for quite some time, but you know how schedules go. One minute you’re brushing your teeth after breakfast, and the next, you’re brushing your teeth for bed. It’s only then that I realized I missed the chance for that free trial you so generously offered. What a relief to wake up the next morning and find the opportunity within my grasp once again.

I also appreciate the many offers to raise my Google rankings. Marketing is extremely important to me. I have no desire to have my work sell itself based on its quality and appeal to those who read it. Word of mouth is pointless. No, my aim is to shove it in the face of every person who searches on the letter “A” or “S.” Because let’s be honest, it’s more important that people click a link, realize they made a mistake, and leave, than actually read my posts and my books. And of course, when I decide to spend my $7 marketing budget at some point this year, it will definitely be on your solid, upstanding enterprise. I can’t wait to sit down and discuss the business plan.

To those who hate me and are offended by all aspects of the content, I appreciate you taking the time to write as well. I’m sorry you had trouble spelling those tricky four letter words, but I applaud you for thinking outside the box. If I don’t post all those positive comments extolling my many many countless virtues as a person, web designer, and writer, then perhaps I will acknowledge those who despise everything about me and my work, which I’m sure you’ve read and reviewed thoroughly.

So to all of you: “much thanks and happy to you very smrat.” Thank you for keeping my overall stats up and skyrocketing the unique domains served each week. I couldn’t do it without you.

P.S. I don’t want to cause any embarrassment, but I feel like we’re close enough now for me to let you know that I’m female. You can stop calling me “pal,” “sir,” and “dude.” It’s a bit off-putting.

August Movie Reviews: Best and Worst

Best movie I saw in the month of August: Tangled (2010)

So cute. And can I just say that I love Mandy Moore as a singing actress? I really do. Her music career doesn’t exactly fit into my preferences (see previous post), but as a singing actress in “cute” films she gets points from me every time.  

Tangled had it all for the current, much-appreciated trend of witty children’s movies. The plot certainly earned its PG rating and was a little darker and more violent than I expected. You know me, I have no fear of dark, but for a supposedly kid’s movie, I was surprised.

The songs were decent in the moment, although I couldn’t remember a single line from any of them the next day. I particularly loved the scene in the pub with all the colorful burly scumbags hiding big dreams of embracing their inner kitten hearts. A movie about them would be fun.

Both leads were appealing, and somehow avoided being total clichés (just partial, which is a big step for these things). Likewise with the villain who perfectly embodied an eerie sweet evil.

I’d watch this again, for sure. It doesn’t come close to supplanting Elf as my favorite “kids” movie of all time, but it was definitely one of the better ones I’ve seen in a while.

Least favorite movie I saw in the month of August: Miss Nobody (2010)

Miss Nobody earned this distinction mostly for lost potential. It wasn’t that it was terrible, it just could have been so good. It had everything going for it: sleek, stylish, and brimming with potential to be the darkly humorous film I was expecting. But it wasn’t. I didn’t find any of the dark humor, well, humorous, and in fact, I almost cringed at the obvious attempts. I prefer my humor and satires subtle. I may be in the minority, I don't know. Others may like it.

The problem is my interest nose-dived in the first ten minutes. Interest level after the opening scenes was at a stunning cliff overlooking a serene Colorado vista. Five minutes in, I could feel the rocks below digging into my back. I hung on for another forty-five minutes until my sleepy brain decided it wasn’t better than anything my bed could do for me.  

I stared at the title in my DVR queue for a minute or two during my next free moment to work on my DVR backlog. I stared, but I could finish it. I couldn't, not when there was an unwatched episode of “The Glades” waiting for me. I never went back to it and just didn’t care enough to spend any more precious free time on it. It was deleted. There’s only so much you can store on those things.

Maybe the plot picked up in the second half. With the introduction of Adam Goldberg’s detective, there’s a good chance it did. Maybe. But Miss Nobody missed the opportunity to make me care enough to find out.

Music Review: Little Known Bands You Should Know

Music is a big part of my life, probably as much as writing. I’m classically trained on two instruments and taking lessons on a third. More importantly, I listen to it voraciously.

I should disclose before we begin that my tastes tend to rest with lesser known alternative bands. Many happen to crossover into the Christian genre which tends to be a goldmine for small bands trying to make a start, but I listen to anything edgy with quality lyrics and musicianship. I like a good hook as much as the next person and a little screaming is perfect but not required. Not too much though. I need a melody. Other than that, I’m not picky and will latch on to anything well-done.

I also have a heart for smaller up-and-coming bands that deserve a chance. Here are some you probably don’t know, but should. Feel free to jump on the bandwagon while you can still get a seat.

After Edmund:

This band tops my list for several reasons. First of all, their sound is unique and addictive. They have it all: the lyrics, the hooks, the musicianship. They also are quickly making a name for themselves in the alternative world, even nominated for a Grammy.

But the icing on the cake is the fact that they have the humility and talent to back up their rising fame. They’re just plain good people you’d love. The closest I ever came to star-struck was my encounter with this band. Not because they act like the rock stars they are, but because they don’t. Not at all. You wouldn’t know they weren’t your long lost friends from junior high.

                                                                                               

And don’t let the drums and electric guitars fool you. This is not a band that learned a few chords and stuck a song together. They put my musical training to shame. After one conversation with lead Mitch Parks while I was demonstrating my own instrument, it was clear that he was way over my head. I’d bet they can take on the best in the musical theory department.

“Clouds” is a song that I can only describe by saying it makes me jealous. I wish I wrote it. I wish that every time I hear it, which is often. It’s pretty much the perfect song. Darkly emotive, catchy, and a chorus that will blow you away.

“Backwards” is another gem. It’s one of those songs when you hear live for the first time before it’s out, you just have to smile because you know your favorite band is still serious about making amazing music. You can’t wait for the next album. You just have to hear that song again as it repeats in your head after the show.

If you like alternative with a twist, check out After Edmund.

The Almost:

If you prefer your less famous alternative a little more mainstream, this is the band for you. That is not a criticism in any way. That’s just shorthand to describe this band as bursting with catchy hooks and choruses. The album “Monster Monster” has been playing in my car non-stop for about a year. It’s now my four-year-old’s favorite record. He gets upset when I play anything other than “the Monster song” as he calls it. If you only want a taste, check out the songs “Monster Monster” and “Young Again.” That should tell you everything you need to know about this band that deserves every penny of our $.99 of support.

Balance and Composure:

If you really want to delve into the alternative world with a rising star, this is it. That’s not to say they don’t have hooks, but they don’t seem as concerned with following the traditional musical formula. Every song feels like its own adventure. It’s almost exhausting to listen to, but in a good way.

I know some of these band members personally and they have the integrity and earnest devotion to their craft that deserves every bit of their increasing popularity. I always love supporting musicians who are still in it for the love of music despite the fact that fame and money haven’t validated them yet. Like the others on this list, they don’t need anything else to validate their worthiness. They’ve got the love, the talent, and the benefit of being humble dreamers still in awe of their steady climb up.

Kimber Rising:

This is so not my usual genre, but I’m a fan of talent in most forms and these women could sing the crap out of a dictionary if they wanted to. They’re also amazing people you want as your friends. If you like catchy melodies, sick harmonies, and just listening to a song that makes you smile, check them out. I guarantee you they were smiling when they sang it. I’m sure there are times they aren’t happy and thrilled to be doing what they love, but not that I’ve ever seen or heard about.

There are plenty of other bands I could highlight, and maybe will in subsequent posts, but for now, this is a good start.

Movie Review: Country Strong (2010) – with bonus Public Service Announcement

I didn’t think I’d like this one. There was no reason I should. I’m already on record as not being a country music fan. In fact, I really don’t get that style at all. But alas, this movie may have converted me.

Ok, maybe not, but not only did I like this movie, I didn’t hate the music. I turned it on expecting to turn it off after a few scenes, but ended up watching the whole way through.

Sure the plot was a bit idealistic, but aren’t most movies? Isn’t that kind of the point of fiction? I was thinking about that the other day as I scoured reviews of books and movies. People’s main complaints seem to be the fictional nature of the fiction they’re absorbing. And yes, I know fiction needs to follow its own rules. And yes, I’ve been frustrated by writers and directors who didn’t. That’s not what I’m talking about.

In general, based on what I’m reading, people seem to be expecting realty when they encounter fiction.

“I’ve been to Mexico City. That’s not how you catch a cab.” I’ve been to Mexico City too. It’s enormous. There are probably dozens of ways to catch a cab. How do you know?

“Oh, no one would ever get discovered like that in the real music business.” Possibly. I’m sure it’s happened. It would be an extremely long, probably boring, movie if you watched the real way most musicians pay their bills.

“A doctor wouldn’t be allowed to do that in real life.” Probably not. So? If the hero dies in the opening scene, would you be happier?

Maybe I’m just biased because my own book was once described as “poorly researched” which I found to be an interesting assertion. As if the reviewer knew enough about the subject matter and my own biography to make that superior claim. I could write an essay defending myself, my research, and the fact that many of the details were autobiographical, but why should I have to? It’s fiction. Even if I didn’t know a thing about the subject (which I did), it’s not real. I made no claims it was. In fact, there’s a whole page in the opening making it very clear it’s not.

How about this movie: Protagonist wakes up, eats a bowl of cereal, takes an uneventful car ride to work, stares at a computer for 9 hours, drives home. Stops for gas. Eats a plate of pasta. Watches TV for two hours. Does a load of laundry. Goes to bed. Closing credits.

Even fiction about reality needs to have fiction to make it watchable. Fiction about reality takes the most fantastic and noteworthy parts of reality and mashes them together in a story. It doesn’t take the average day of the average person. Only the most incredible day of the average person. Or, more often, a combination of many incredible days of many incredible people spliced into one story about one person. It’s fiction. You can do that. We want you to do that.

Back to Country Strong. You already know the plot from the trailer. It doesn’t diverge much from exactly what you think it will be about, but I like Gwyneth Paltrow. We knew she could sing (Duets, 2000), act (plenty of others, not all gems though), and be just plain likeable. She’s one of those actresses that you don’t hate for being beautiful because she seems like she’d be a decent a person. She also seems intelligent. Whether she’s either, I have no idea, but she comes across that way here and in many other films I’ve seen.

It may not be the best movie of the year, but it’s definitely worth the time to watch it. I liked it more than I thought based on the subject and reviews.

Bonus Public Service Announcement:

Although it didn’t bother me (see above), this movie does make it seem like the path to success is a pretty easy one for musicians. Chiles Stanton (Leighton Meester) went from a beauty queen nobody to recognizable star after a lucky break and few brief shows. The more common path is that of Beau Hutton (Garrett Hedlund) – years of hard work in local bars while working a day job.

Eventually a band or artist that works a bunch of local gigs may get picked up enough to tour, but even that is hardly the beginning of a rock star life. Most of the bands out there struggle and struggle, scraping together just enough cash to keep their van running to get to the next gig. Many can’t even make it without a spouse at home to help pay the bills or a bed in the basement of their parents’ house when they’re not touring. I’m not even talking about your neighbor’s start up garage band. I’m talking about those with a real shot who you would think have made it. Record deals. Tour managers. Agents. The whole deal. By the time everyone gets their cut, there’s not much left for them. Trust me.

This leads to my PSA.

Please don’t steal music from these people. I read a lot of “comment sections” on articles and message boards. I’m curious about public opinion and where people are in terms of their thought processes. It’s frustrating to read people whining about how these “multi-million dollar rockstars” should stop complaining about the $.99 they’re losing because of a ripped song. One less vacation home. So what?

You know what, there are some multi-million dollar rock stars out there. Most of them aren’t. You’d probably be shocked to know how little a lot of your favorite bands earn. I know first hand there are bands who had invites to the Grammys and are barely getting by. That $.99 may seem inconsequential but they’ve invested everything they have into writing and recording that song.

I was at a show recently and one of the bands I liked was literally wearing t-shirts for the band they opened for. Why? Someone broke into their van and stole all their clothes and some equipment. They were begging for their fans to buy a CD or some merchandise so they could at least get some clothes to finish the tour. That’s not an unusual financial situation for even a band you could say has made it.

Just give them their $9.99 for an album or $.99 for a song. If you like their music, the only way they can afford to keep making it is if we support them. That’s true of most art. People spend years putting together a book or an album or a movie.

End of Public Service Announcement. Enjoy your day.

July Movie Reviews: Best and Worst

Time for the July Movie review. July was more difficult than June, I have to say. I had a clear favorite and least favorite in June, but July turned out to be murkier. (Not to mention I didn’t watch many to begin with).  But since it’s “best and worst movie I saw” and not “brilliant film I’d recommend to the masses” I suppose I can muster support for something in the Best Category. The worst was easier, although I cheated.

Best Movie I Saw in the Month of July: Five Fingers (2006)

It was by no means an amazing film and I’m not even sure I’d recommend it, but I liked the concept and construction. I put the pieces together pretty early, but that didn’t change my appreciation for the exploration of this dark subject.

A pianist (Ryan Phillippe) is captured and tortured for information by an unknown party.

The plot twists in several ways that kept my attention, even if at times some of the scenes were slightly awkward. Still, my only major complaint, as usual, was the ending which had a few scenes too many in my opinion. I keep imagining what a punch in the face the director could have achieved if he’d scrapped those last scenes and went to black after the initial “big reveal.” Instead, the movie had to explain and preach at the end which completely removed us from the film. Maybe that was the point. I don’t know, but explanations and preaching are usually a big turn off for me (see my review of “The Experiment”).

I typically don’t have much patience for these types of political statement films, but the construction of this one worked as an engaging movie as well and drew me to the end.

Worst Movie I saw in the Month of July: Just Married (2003)

Technically I’m not sure I can choose this one as my worst. The category is “worst movie I saw in the Month of July.” That probably means I should have seen it. Since I only got through five minutes of “Just Married,” I’m not sure that counts.

I like some romantic comedies. I’m not against the cheesy formula and fabricated chemistry. It can work and has its place if done well. There are plenty of “cute” films that have a high re-watchability factor and are great for a diverse audience viewing. Not everyone wants to sit through an acclaimed Czech drama at a party.

I also like Brittany Murphy and was sad when she passed. She was fantastic in “8 Mile” and even “Clueless,” among others. I’m also not on the bandwagon that can’t stand Ashton Kutcher as an actor. I think he fits the types of roles he typically plays. Pretty face, goofy character. Heck, I even liked “What Happens in Vegas” more than I should have. Certainly more than I thought I would.

The problem is, Rom-Coms are based entirely on chemistry. You already know the entire plot the second you see the preview. You’re not watching to use your brain and be amazed. It’s all about the comforting formula and suppressed attraction of the main characters. Kutcher and Cameron Diaz had in it Vegas. I didn’t sense any at all in the little I watched of “Just Married.”

Who knows, maybe the chemistry built later, but the opening sequence of shtick comedy just didn’t do much for me. In their first few flashback scenes together I didn’t find their interaction cute or funny. I didn’t like either character. Zero chemistry is the death blow for these things. Maybe I just wasn’t in the mood for silly, I don’t know. But after five minutes I decided I had better things to do.  

Product Review: Best Product Ever

My last product review was none too flattering if you don’t recall (completely useless outdoor fireplace). To prove that I’m not just an ornery consumer, it’s time for the positive.

I have no idea what this thing is called. I don’t know where you can get it. When I search on “toothpaste squeezer” a lot of pictures similar to the thing I have come up, so let’s call it that. Toothpaste Squeezer. If you have one of these cheap little plastic contraptions, you know what I’m talking about. If you don’t, your life is much more difficult than it needs to be.

You know that agonizing two week period toward the end of the life of your toothpaste tube? When you can see those bubbles of toothpaste taunting you from the corners of the container but know they’ve won. There’s no way you’re going to get them.  Your fingers bleed as you squeeze and push for five minutes to maybe squeeze out one more half speck that could only cover six teeth if you’re a light brusher. You know what I’m talking about.

You roll up the end to force it out. You slide the flattened tube along the edge of your sink. You do anything you can to get that very last drop. If you’re as obsessive as I am you imagine how satisfying it would be to slice open that pesky little prison of a tube and scrape out every last particle. But you don’t, because that would be insane, and you’re not insane. But you would, maybe, if no one would see the damning evidence in your bathroom trash can and there wasn’t a 90% chance you’d end up slicing your own finger open in the process. Never mind, you wouldn’t. Maybe.

Anyway, this little plastic toothpaste squeezer cuts that two week period down to a day or two. It’s awesome. Basically you slide the flattened edge of the tube between two plastic bars and apply heavy downward pressure on one of them. The ingenious little tool pushes the remaining toothpaste up to the opening making it easily accessible. It’s like gaining a free trial size tube of toothpaste out of the deal. (And maybe, just MAYBE justifies your fantasy about getting inside that annoying little tube to scrape out the rest. There was a lot still in there!)

With a toothpaste squeezer you don’t have to worry about any more wasted toothpaste or the fingertip numbing process of squeezing out those last drops for weeks on end.

It would also make a great stocking stuffer. Your relatives will probably think you’re strange, definitely cheap, possibly insane, but trust me, that’s just a temporary reaction. Once they use it they’ll love you and thank you for changing their lives.

Toothpaste squeezer. Just trust me on this.

If Novels Were Music: Meet the Real Allison

I spend a lot of time talking about other people’s art. I spend a lot of time critiquing pop culture, theories, and popular opinion. It’s easy to discuss the external world. Zero risk. Never ending source of topics.

Like most of us, I have a more trouble sharing the internal. It’s dangerous. Often messy.

Also like most people, talking about myself is complicated by my many sides. There’s the sweet, quiet introvert you’ll meet as a casual acquaintance. You’d guess this shy smile would write inspirational short stories about puppies and gardening. (I don’t like either. Seriously, do you know anyone who doesn’t like puppies? I’m messed up.)

A few more meetings and you’d begin to encounter the wryly humorous conversationalist. She’d keep you laughing, but thinking a bit. Ok, so Allison doesn’t write about puppies after all. Probably a good chick lit book with a twist. How much she hates shopping. Why she’s one of only four women who has no use for shoes. Tales of her one and only mani/pedi. You’d get zero useful advice, but you’d be laughing until the tears fell.

But start a conversation on religion, politics, current events, or philosophy and things would change quickly.

There’s another side only the closest know. She’s pensive. Introspective. An old soul. A dark soul really, but deeply compassionate. She gets so lost in her head she doesn’t sleep much. She can’t accept anything at face value. She rarely sees black and white. She’s not afraid to confront the dark side of the mind even if she still believes humanity has the capacity for immense good. And she’s the one who writes.

I often get asked about my writing. I have trouble discussing it because most people who know me don’t really know me. How can they connect with the writing if they have a completely different view of the writer?

It’s actually easier to talk to strangers, people who aren’t expecting the puppy epic or bad relationship advice. I don’t have to fear their shock and awe should they decide to dive in. They can glimpse my soul since they haven’t been swayed by the barrier protecting it and adapting it to the protocol of daily life.

All three may be part of my identity, but pensive Allison is at the core. The other two share a lot of space on this blog, but it’s time to introduce the deeper base of who I am as well. I can’t exactly post a novel, so at the risk of eliminating any credibility to ever discuss music again, I offer a song. I can’t think of a better way to summarize the tone, content, and style of my writing than by sharing my music which comes from the exact same place. If you want a four minute glimpse into my books, this poorly recorded practice session in the basement of a friend’s house is it.

" Laughing Stock" at allisonmsimon.com (bottom of the post)

On Justin Bieber, On Celebrity: My Ranting Non-Rant

Look, I have nothing against Justin Bieber (am I even spelling that right?). I know my previous post paints a more damning picture of my stance. Really though, he seems harmless enough, innocuous certainly. I don’t care if people buy all his albums and go to his concerts. I’m not even going to judge them for spending seven hours in line at the mall. The tents, ok, yeah. I’m judging that, but ultimately it’s their time, their money, their prerogative. I have my hobbies too. I write novels for fun. Most people think that’s an infinitely bigger waste of time. I won’t argue. Of course, having said all that, I also can’t recite a single line from one of his songs, save the “bay-bay, bay-bay, ohhhhhh” line my four-year-old son taught me.

My problem isn’t Bieber and his music that doesn’t appeal to my tastes (more of an alternative rock girl, myself). It’s Bieber as a symbol, at the very least, a symptom of a much bigger issue that plagues our society: celebrity obsession. People get physically injured trying to see him. Not to justify riots or violence, but at least make it over revolution for massive injustice. And no, little Amber butting in front to get the last ticket doesn’t count.

Regular slobs like us get married, have children, get divorced, spend money we shouldn’t, buy houses, get re-married, have more children, have children with people we shouldn’t, color our hair, wear terrible outfits. We even attend things. So why do we fund entire industries to broadcast when famous people do it? What have they really done to earn our worship?

I’ve seen two headlines from reputable news sources over the last three days encouraging me to click on a link to learn the sex of a baby born to a famous person. Famous people have babies. Who knew? But it’s there because we click. And then we fill the comment section below with our unsolicited opinions of mis-information that eventually escalates out of control until we attack each other over some completely unrelated subject. Because why, exactly? Are David and Victoria Beckham ravenously devouring our posts to get parenting advice from HipHop743? I’m sure they’re bummed CaliGirl^ doesn’t like they name they chose and thinks it “sucks.”

I love movies. I love music.  I love television. I love sports. I just don’t like watching my peers devalue their own stories by bowing before the throne of people who haven’t earned their admiration. Half of us could be just as beautiful if we had the crew and money and time to devote to the effort. Half of us could prove just as talented, given the chance. We all have unique stories, and just because less people know the details, doesn’t make them less deserving of our time and attention.

Real heroes give. They serve. They don’t ask for the honor. They don’t make a fortune from it.

We can enjoy talent without worshipping the talented. For the love of all things sane, no more stampedes.

World on the Brink as Justin Bieber Goes Silent

PHILADELPHIA – In a move that has rocked the music industry and devastated the population of nations around the world, Justin Bieber has not offered a single tweet in well over two hours.

“It’s shocking, it really is. I feel lost. Like the moon, stars, and sun are all crashing down at once,” says Miranda Hansen, mother of Analee Hansen. “It’s so strange. I took my daughter to a concert just a week ago and everything was fine. Now it’s chaos. My daughter is beside her self.”

“I can’t eat! I can’t sleep! It’s like, seriously, the worst thing that ever could have happened. Ever! What’s he doing now? I don’t know! What if he’s eating a steak and I don’t know it. Oh my god, what if he cut his hair? Oh my god! I don’t know what he’s doing right now!” says Analee Hansen. Her friend Amy agrees and added that he may have been kidnapped or possibly lost his phone.

When asked how this silence would affect the past, present, and future of pop culture, Dr. Jackson Reegan of Marbury University expressed concern about the recent events. “I have no doubt historians will look back and unequivocally declare that this is a turning point in world history. Not only are the implications for the music industry unprecedented, media outlets may never recover from this.”

Laura Terser, a former journalist and current consultant, supports Dr. Reegan’s claims. “There’s no doubt that media outlets will have to lay off employees, possibly even close departments, if this silence continues. People need to know what he’s doing this weekend, which movie he saw, what he wore. They need to know how craay-zaay he felt when he dropped his hat on the way down the aisle. Without this basic information, the journalistic and media industries can’t possibly survive. People just don’t need to know anything else.”

Tyler Keller was less concerned when asked how the silence of Justin Bieber has affected his life. “Justin who? Is that the dude that looks like a girl and sings like a girl but girls like anyway?” Keller admits that he is not a connoisseur of pop culture, nor does he fit the ten-year-old girl demographic. Keller also adds that if he ever encountered that dude he would so not even care.

Authorities around the world have pooled resources to investigate the possible causes behind the lack of tweets. Current theories range from he forgot, to claims that Bieber is protesting the digital age that is leading to a new type of class separation between the social media educated and those left behind. “I’m not worried. Justin’s just showing his love for those of us who don’t use that tweeter thing. That’s why I love him. He’s so sensitive and deep!” says Madison Walker of Washington Elementary School.

Analee Hansen and Amy disagree. “My friends and I, like, don’t even know what to do anymore. We used to talk about Justin. Now what are we supposed to do? I guess we could talk about his old tweets, but it’s not the same. This is crazy. I never thought something like this would happen to me.”

***Allison M Simon is a freelance pop culture commentator who is annoyed her four-year-old son came home from preschool singing a Justin Bieber song. You try to shelter them, but no.  The world says no.